"I've fallen, and I can't get up". I guess you could say I've had a relapse of sorts. 11 years ago I went through the the great Dr. Schubiners program. I live in Mi. so I was fortunate to be seen, dx and treated by him at his local hospital program. My symptoms then were bilateral lateral foot numbness, extending occasionally up legs. went through the xrays, MRI's , pain clinic, injections PT etc... Always had a hard time disputing the physical, I am a nurse. But with Dr. S's help, II did get 75% better. Always has a little residual numbness on R outer heel. But ignored it and carried on.
Fast forward to the last 4 months or so. Numbness changed, Now R heel numbness and second toe. Dx with hammer toe, mortons neuroma, tarsel tunnel and atrophy of fat pad. And a few more. This sends me into panic mode and my gait has changed because I can't stand the odd feeling in my foot. My altered gait has caused tightness in calves, legs hip and lower back.
But enough of the physical. As we all know, concentrated on the symptoms is not going to change the outcome. What you might ask is going on psychologically? Also a long story. Probably best saved for future conversation. What I do know is that I suffer from severe anxiety and worry. ( in therapy for the last 25 plus years) . And my personality type is the perfectionist, absolute people pleaser. Can't stand conflict or anyone mad at me. Put others before myself. Horrible adolescence. MANY losses. friends, previous husband, GREAT fear of medical test results, stemming from many unusual medical issues both in myself as well as family. Most recently conflict at work. Been asked to step down from charge position, that I " am unable to keep up with the demands". This because of my foot numbness and anxiety. Although I tell no one about these issues, Fear of being labeled weak. It has been recommended by my foot dr. as well as therapist, that I go of on permanent disability. I am totally on board with this. ( I am 60)As I would like to spend a few quality years I have left enjoying life.) Not worried if I will be ask to resign or worse, get " let go" ( after 36 years at the same job) because I can no longer be effective. As much as I want this " medical retirement", so I can concentrate on me. I worry that I will be denied my LTD, thus causing a huge financial burden to my husband. Again, putting others before myself. I am having a very hard time making the "leap". Fear of the unknown. And I always have to have a plan and be in control.
I am leaving for a short 5 day vacation with husband and a couple of friends tomorrow. when I return, I have an appt with my PCP. All the documentation from the foot Dr. as well as the therapist " should" be at his office. Hoping he gives his blessing to set me off on " retirement" to work on Me. and that he agrees to handle the paperwork as it comes ,to secure my/ our financial future. If this all goes as planned, I also hope to once again be cared for by Dr. Schubiner . So I can once and for all, be set free to enjoy life. I have been a prisoner of my fears for far to long. And have suffered alone as long as I could. This downward spiral MUST stop. Every waking moment is judged on how my foot feels at the moment. And thus sets the stage for a good day or bad day. BTW I should mention, these symptoms are always there. But sometimes worse than others Sometimes so minimal I am close to being my old self. Sometimes so bad, I don't know if I will make it through a work day. That in its self, should be a big clue. But yet, I can't seem to dispute the physical.
So here I am... a hot mess. Looking for security, validation, comfort from others that understand this . Sad that I can reach out to strangers for help, but yet I hide behind a mask of confidence and strength to most that know me.
Sagelady ( patty )