It’s really hard to accept the TMS diagnosis because it’s contrary to everything we’ve ever been taught about pain. If there’s pain there’s always a physical cause. That’s what we’ve been taught. It’s taken me forever to undo that mode of thinking so have patience. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Keep trying. Don’t ever give up. You will get there! The pain will move all around and it will scare you. That’s what pain does. You are stronger than the pain. Remember that every day!
This morning I woke up and I was frantic yet again. Anxiety, worry, fear, doubt. The symptoms moved into my neck and sinuses (yippee). I got to work and I kept fixating, worry, trying trying trying trying, to tell my subconscious over and over, it's TMS not cancer. I finally have my MRI booked and I'm on the cancellation list (Canadian health system is different.) I was behind on some annual testing, so I went and took care of those this week. At least this process has forced me to take my health back into my hands. I started smoking again. So if I truly believe I have cancer, why would I keep smoking? I took the half pack I had left crumpled it and threw it in the trash. I've got a laundry list of prior chronic conditions stemming back to childhood that I can clearly see are TMS. My own mother says to me all the time, "Crystal you've been sick your whole life." I had my barrage of symptom imperative on the third day of learning about TMS, when I was 99% sure. My doctor said it's a PPD, my doctor said, Yes TMS could be your problem, Dr. Schubiner said, it's 100% TMS on my last forum post. So what's keeping me from moving forward and truly accepting my diagnosis? I don't know? Likely my self-confidence issues, likely my inability to stop trying to control things and heal over night. Definitely my inability to embrace the fear. The only thing I know for sure is I'm just going to keep moving forward, try to let things happen as they are meant to. Tomorrow I might wake up and do the exact same thing I've been doing for weeks, but as long as I'm still breathing I'll still be doing what I can to unlearn my pain.