This morning I woke up and I was frantic yet again. Anxiety, worry, fear, doubt. The symptoms moved into my neck and sinuses (yippee). I got to work and I kept fixating, worry, trying trying trying trying, to tell my subconscious over and over, it's TMS not cancer. I finally have my MRI booked and I'm on the cancellation list (Canadian health system is different.) I was behind on some annual testing, so I went and took care of those this week. At least this process has forced me to take my health back into my hands. I started smoking again. So if I truly believe I have cancer, why would I keep smoking? I took the half pack I had left crumpled it and threw it in the trash. I've got a laundry list of prior chronic conditions stemming back to childhood that I can clearly see are TMS. My own mother says to me all the time, "Crystal you've been sick your whole life." I had my barrage of symptom imperative on the third day of learning about TMS, when I was 99% sure. My doctor said it's a PPD, my doctor said, Yes TMS could be your problem, Dr. Schubiner said, it's 100% TMS on my last forum post. So what's keeping me from moving forward and truly accepting my diagnosis? I don't know? Likely my self-confidence issues, likely my inability to stop trying to control things and heal over night. Definitely my inability to embrace the fear. The only thing I know for sure is I'm just going to keep moving forward, try to let things happen as they are meant to. Tomorrow I might wake up and do the exact same thing I've been doing for weeks, but as long as I'm still breathing I'll still be doing what I can to unlearn my pain.