Hi everyone I am doing the program four weeks and I am up to week three. I am becoming more and more interested in my mind and how it seems to enjoy the comfort zone of the dreaded pain . I can see how negative and unhelpful it is and how it trys to set me up for failure again and again opportunistic and maniplutive. Is it the same for many of us? I am confused , my pain is not improving so much in fact at times its jumping about and very intense , my IBS returned yesterday after an absence of 4 or 5 months in full swing. I also can see how I struggle with a couple of things and if Dr Schubiner could comment great.
1. I find it impossible to be compassionate or to feel real kindness for myself I am hard and unkind in my comments and very judgmental . I struggle with kindness or loving kindness meditation it just feels wrong and like I'm silly and a fraud.
2. To get angry !! seems very difficult when doing the ISTDP therapy bit especially with my Mammy who passed away 3 years ago. No matter how awful the memories are I just cannot get angry its like I don't know how and I feel such a bad person saying even the truth about her so guilty but I know that's what I need. I know there is so much I am angry with her internally , it does not mean I don't love or forgive her but the stuff was real and as a child I would never get angry the cost was too great.
So although I am not seeing a reduction 22 years of pain but my whole life in fear is a work in progress and I am happy I have found this wonderful program and feel I am really meeting myself the real me for the first time at 49 years of age.Here in Ireland we don't do feelings or talk about stuff that much and certainly kids don't get an opinion we don't have big chats with kids they are right or wrong so I am loving this. I love hearing the stories and adore the meditations ,,,just wish there were more . xx Saoirse